How Do I Help?

 Someone you care about has experienced a loss. You want to help, but like many others, what you actually do is stay away, because you don't want to make their pain worse. Here are some simple guidelines to help you help others who are grieving.

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• Be there. You cannot make their pain any worse.
  • Staying away is usually interpreted as lack of caring. Be there.
• If you don't know what to say, tell them the truth.
  • "I don't know what to say to support you, but I came because I care." Then be quiet. Listen to them. Hold them. Allow them to cry. You may even cry with them.
• Ask the grieving person specific questions.
  • "How can I help?" may not draw an answer, because they may not be able to think very well right now. "Would it help if I vacuumed your house before the funeral?" "Would some type of food appeal to you, which I could prepare?" "Do people need accommodations or rides to the funeral?" "Is there shopping (laundry, errands, etc.) which needs doing?" These are all useful questions. If the people say, "No," then respect that your role may just be to be present.
• After all the rituals are over, continue to be present.
  • Short phone call or 'thinking of you' cards can help a grieving person get through tough days. Ask, "Do you want to talk?" Let them decide what they want to say. Accept their feelings. Journey with them through the valley, but allow them to lead.
• Don't be afraid to talk about the dead person.
  • Most grieving people want to talk about and remember the one who is gone. You can provide a safe place for them to do that when others shy away from the topic. For a while it may be all they can think about and if they can't talk about their loss, they have no other topic of conversation.
• Be there. Don’t expect grieving people to conform to your time schedule.
  • Allow them as much time as they need for their grief (we measure this in years, not months), Don't disappear. Be there.