Different Styles of Grieving are Normal

With our growing awareness that grief is a normal human reaction to loss and change, many of us are learning some of the ways grief is manifested. Unfortunately, sometimes this means that we expect all people to express their grief in similar ways.

In reality, there are as many ways of grieving as there are individual personalities. Age and gender also often affect how we live through the pain.

Here are a few guidelines within which there is plenty of space for individual experience and expression.

Click on topic to expand its content.

• Allow yourself to acknowledge the pain.
  • Pretending that everything is alright can only work for so long, Eventually, the grief will catch up with you, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
  • Many people think that if they keep busy, they won't feel the pain, and in time it won't be a problem. This doesn't work. Grief will not go away in time, unless it is acknowledged and allowed to happen. Often, when people think they are coping by not wallowing in the pain, what is actually happening is that they are withdrawing from people who care about them, damaging valued relationships and hurting others.
• Be kind to yourself.
  • Recognize that your energy level and power of concentration will be lower during your grief time. This may take longer than you think. Try not to become too frustrated with yourself. Almost always, family and friends (even bosses) will respond supportively if you just say something like, "I guess my mother's death is still affecting me. I am not as fast as I would like to be. I guess I just need to allow myself more time, until my grief is completed."  
  • Find some outlets for your grief. Exercise is very helpful. If you are usually an active person, be sure to allow your body whatever exercise it needs. There is a lot of energy in grief, but it is not accessible to you. If you do not exercise, it just builds up and comes out in non-constructive ways. Even people who normally do not exercise would do well to take time for a daily walk in the fresh air.
  • It is also important that you find someone with whom you can talk. This person should understand that he or she does not have a responsibility to cheer you up, but just to listen. A supportive listener, even if it is only for a couple of minutes a day, can help tremendously. If you do not have a friend who can support you in this way, ask your pastor to introduce you to someone in the church - perhaps a trained grief minister - who is a good listener.
• Take time each day (perhaps several times a day) to listen to your own heart.
  • Pay attention to how you are feeling, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Ask your own heart what it needs.
  • Ignore well-intended advice, unless it fits with how you are feeling.
  • Be kind to yourself and claim what you need.
• Recognize that during grief it is perfectly normal to feel any emotion.
  • You are free to cry or to laugh.
  • You may also have physical symptoms, such as sleep disturbances, dreams, digestive system upsets, head and body aches and because grief suppresses your immune system, you are more vulnerable to infections.
  • Grief takes a long time, so when something unusual happens during the three to five years after your loss, especially if you consult professional help, be sure to let them know you are grieving.
• Many people find that it is very helpful to find ways to ritualize their losses.
  • One family lights candles on Christmas Eve, for the three dead members. These candles burn until after Christmas dinner, symbolizing the loneliness for absent loved ones. Last Christmas, when they decided not to do this, they all enjoyed Christmas less.  They decided to continue their ritual for this year and years to come. One young man said. "It seems that when the candles are lit I can really get into Christmas. The candles seem to give me permission to have fun. We aren't ignoring my sister and grandparents."
  • Your way of ritualizing may be public or private, but if it helps you, then it is good.
• If you need to be angry, that's fine.
  • Anger is perhaps the most common feeling in grief.
  • You can be angry with the person who died, or with God.
  • Acknowledge the anger and find ways to express it which do not hurt others or damage relationships. Exercise can help diffuse some of anger's energy. So can talking with someone who understands.

If faith is an important part of your life, remember that God is always willing to listens, even if you are screaming in rage. And God always understands and will never turn away.